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Apr 24, 2004
oh my gosh it's been a while
Okay guys. Yours truly is not doing too well. But never fear, I have come to the realization that oh fuck it I need a new blogdrive because I don't remember who knows this one. Adios!
Posted at 12:10 pm by jaded
Feb 7, 2004
hey ya'll, long time no see. Haha thanks Anna, I didn't know that anyone actually read this anymore. I mean if no one comments then I don't know.
Yeah.. guess what I'm blasting right now, at 11 at night.
PHIL COLLINS!! HELL YEAH BABY!! K, 4th or 5th grade, I don't really remember which; I got my CD player... oh yeah baby I was so cool back then- and I played this cd the ENTIRE time on the 5 hour train ride to Chicago. I was in love with Phil Collins. (And Chicago) And I still love both of them! Hha, this stuff makes me smile... it's the shit man. Memories are great.
Posted at 11:11 pm by jaded
Jan 28, 2004
ah hahaha long time no see guys
I keep forgetting I have this
*my bad*
so now I have... one xanga (that I "write" in... because I've kinda lost all interest in that... for once I've stopped on my own pretenses), one livejournal (that barely anyone knows about and I like it like that), one opendiary (that was shortlived), and one blogdrive (tada!). Used up one handwritten journal- and so far, that has been the only consistent journal. And to my knowledge, only one other person has read it *I can only hope.*
Well, I'm off to see The Butterfly Effect with Tricia and some Hockey guys who requested me (how lame is that) and I'm actually getting dolled up for this shit (how lame is that)- but, god, I don't even know why. They saw my pictures and wanted me to come. ?! ooookay. Righty-o. As far as I'm concerned, they're just some more sex-crazed meat heads and I'd like nothing to do with them. HOWEVER they ARE going to see The Butterfly Effect which I REALLY want to see!! (I love scary movies... for the most part) And I'm DEFINITELY not looking for a guy right now. Don't ask me why, I really don't know. Kinda like how I stopped writing in xanga. I really don't know why. So don't ask, cuz I really won't have a reason.
However, I am pissed as all hell at someone I know, who I used to be close to, who
GOTTA GO
Posted at 06:25 pm by jaded
Dec 25, 2003
whoops, my bad
ah, social blunders
at least it reminds me I'm not dreaming! (or nightmaring?)
does anyone else ever get haunted by social blunders? It's horrible.
But I'm going to go work on my scarf.
My hair is longggg whoo.
(well, long for me)
(more specifically, the longest it's ever been)
(and I've decided not to cut it)
My dad got movies I guess I'll go watch them but I don't kn ow what they are, hopefully they won't suck. I think my dad found my xanga and maybe this too but more likely my xanga than this.
but really, "Not all treasure is gold and silver, mate" They have some really good lines in that movie, and Anna, it's going to be the first one I write down in the journal you gave me!
Posted at 04:01 pm by jaded
"Not all treasure is gold and silver, mate"
Posted at 03:57 pm by jaded
Dec 23, 2003
i don't know what you want me to say
I have to finish many scarves for Christmas
I have a little black dress for mass
I enjoy writing more than typing
I made all my entries on xanga private
(I didn't delete them this time)
I can't do anything for new years, see, I'm the built in babysitter
At least Anna will be able to sleep over
I don't know what you want me to say
I'm not okay, but I always am
I can zone out now
I smile
I cry
I do everything people are meant to do
I scored a 26
My friend scored a 27 and he's clinically depressed
Maybe I took the test at a wrong time
15 is normal
whoops
I was 11 points over that
But maybe I just took the test at the wrong time
But maybe I do need help
haha wait I know I need help
It can't hurt
So I will
And.. I'm babbling
What's new.
I still don't know how sometimes the font is pink and other times it's just black.
I still dont know what makes him do this.
I still don't know why life isn't fair.
I still don't really care?
But that's a lie.
And I need to finish scarves.
Cept I keep making them and then I fall asleep.
This has been going on all day.
Knit, fall asleep, wake up, drink more tea, read some, knit, fall asleep, wake up, drink more tea, read some, knit... you get the point.
Hope your holidays are better than mine.
Posted at 01:33 pm by jaded
Dec 22, 2003
you think; I think not- a poem, or not?
I
Wish
He'd
Stop
Acting? Psh, who needs it? Fuck acting. Fuck him.
I decided that when I was tired of his bullshit at the dinner table, and I made him embarassed (I can only wish).
Then he told me to meet him in his office so we could talk.
HAHAHA okay dad.
So I did, I can't hide in my own house.
HAHAHA what bull.
Anna, where are you? I need to leave, asap.
So I listened. And then I almost smiled. But I caught myself. I couldnt help it- it was so... ridiculous.
And he taunted me- Go on, smile, laugh about what I just told you.
No dad, it's not like that. But you wouldn't understand
Somewhere in there, the monologue became a dialogue
and somewhere in there, he told me to tell her I loved her
And somewhere in there I said
Okay. I'm going to finish the dishes now (like he said)
Okay. I'm going to go to sleep after that.
Bye Dad, I love you
It's all a bit blurry
a bit hazy
because I was focusing on his face and wondering what he looked like when he was my age
I was wondering how he got to be this way
And I was wondering what could possibly have caused it
And somewhere along the way, well more specifically after i told him I loved him,
He said something mean but I don't remember. Oh yes.
He thought I was being cynical.
Daddy doesn't know I wasn't cynical, not about that.
Because right before it happened, I was thinking how much I loved him.
Then I made the mistake.
So Daddy got mad again,
And as usual, I got said (again)
I would try and tell you, but you don't understand. You don't want to and you won't let yourself listen. Goodnight.
I shut the door, the pretty door we paid for with our souls, or this life that is quite over-rated or so I have said,
I finished the dishes, well the ones they were done with
And as I did I cried
not for me though, as I had done before
I cried for my Grandma who was sitting there and taking it,
sitting there and letting him be so mean,
"You'll have two black eyes to go with that blue sweater"
and then more tears began to flow
And then mother chimed in and I could not believe it
Had not father just said she had no evil?
It was me with all the evil, I'm the evil one-
I froze while placing the purple plastic cup in the filled dishwasher to hear
"More excuses"
And then I said- "why don't you guys just-"
They looked at me, I stopped
It was my big mouth that had got me in for it earlier
And it was my vow to shut up that caused me to stop
There are so many injustices we cannot help
There are things that many are not willing to see
And there's not a thing we can do about it
but cry Posted at 08:16 pm by jaded
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you ask me
why i've stopped?
and i have to tell you
that you'll never understand
because it hurts too much and you shouldn't understand
i won't make you understand
so the conversation's over before it even begins
and your question wil lhang in the air because I won't answer it
you think you know what's right, and I'd love to believe you
however, everyone thinks they're right
maybe you're all wrong
I'd like to say that you'll never understand
but I know you'll have some smart ass response
And who knows, maybe you really do want to help
But this thing called trust?
It's gone.
so I won't answer your question and you'll make up your own reasons
and I don't think that you'll ever even get close to what my "problem" is
my ENTIRE FUCKING CHILDHOOD
which
to my GREAT satisfaction
is still being played out as we speak.
So please, please please
stop
asking
you can't help
no one can, so don't be hurt
there's no point |
i wish i could do something right- anything right. You don't even have to tell me I'm doing it right. You could thank me? Is that so hard? I guess it is when nothing I ever do is right, so there's nothing to thank me for.
And at the same time, I hate you I hate you so much
You're cruel and horrible and yes, you LACK SOCIAL SKILLS
because this is NOT the way to treat your kids, or anyone
to be seen and not heard? That's what you want from us? And you tell me I'm greedy and worthless? And you wonder why I cry?
Fuck you. Posted at 06:53 pm by jaded
okay, who loves "cherry lips" by garbage? you know you do, don't even try to deny it.
it takes, sometimes, just the things you thought you lost to bring you back to the person you used to be. i don't know if that made any sense.
i was up writing in my journal till around 12:30 (keeping meg up, whoops) and then I could NOT get to sleep. e krghj i hate it when that happens. plus, i write wayyy too much, and then i always think about what i wrote and what it means and then, what if someone found my journal who doesn't know me, what will they think of me? and then i try and read it over again, and then i just can't because it's quit boring- i mean, i've been thru it, it's my life, i just really can't read my journal. altho meghan can, because she did when i was in 8th grade (or was it 7th?) and then i stopped writing. but i can't stop for long.
my dad wants me to write him a poem for christmas, he says it's a rare talent.
i have many objections to this.
1. no, i won't write him a poem for christmas, or anytime. there are many reasons i cannot do this. first off, i can;t write on command, it just doesn't work. and i can't write for other people, i write for myself. i've TRIED writing for people, and it was just horrible. I tried to explain this to h im, and he told me to work on it because that's what writers do. WELL WHAT IF I'M NOT A WRITER??
2. rare talent? psh. anyone can write a poem. it may not be good, but anyone can write. it's only a rare talent if you're Robert Frost, Shakespeare, or someone like that. Now THOSE people had rare talents.
Okay, so there were only 2 points to my whole list, but... yeah. so I think I'm gonna go watch the history channel again, because yeah.. the history channel.. a mi me gusta. don't make fun!! i love ancient civilizatins- i always have. My dad and i were talking about it last night- When I was in 5th grade all I wanted for Christmas were books on the Romans and Greeks. The funny thing is, I still do! So
whoops g2g bye Posted at 12:51 pm by jaded
so this time i'm sitting here in my pants minus the shirt, wait, i can't remember if i posted that entry on HERE or on livejournal or on xanga (and then probably deleted it) but anyways, it's irrelevant. The point is, I should be getting dressed but for some reason I feel the need to "express myself" on the internet. What bull. rskfg jhkj
I quit.
Posted at 11:04 am by jaded
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